How do you get over losing one of the most important things you've ever had? You grieve and go through the stages of letting go and accepting things you cannot change, and eventually you move on. But how do you get through losing something and then having it rubbed in your face every time you turn round that you might have loved and lost... or you might have been a naive idiot and were never loved at all? I'm struggling because he won't leave me alone, and I'm struggling because it hurts to admit that I honestly don't know if it was genuine or if I was played for a fool all those years. The hardest part is that I don't know which would be worse.
But I'm going to get over it. I've tried struggling through this on my own for a year. Over a year. And I can't do it because he makes sure I can't, by 'reminding me' past the point of harassment. How do you become a bigger, better person than someone like that... if you're one of those people that's scared to leave the house every morning? Severe anxiety isn't made better by drama and paranoia. But I'm tired of being hurt, of hiding and of being afraid, of cowering and expecting a backlash I can only hope to predict every time I become bold enough to post something online again.
Enough is enough. I'm trying, because I owe it to my friends. My sister has wanted to draw with me for the past year, but I can't even pick up a pencil because of the memories so closely entwined there. I'm and artist and I haven't drawn in over a year. The people I care about - my friends and family - are suffering because of his immaturity, but ultimately it's because of my inability to suck it up and be stronger than this, stronger than his will to watch me continue to crumble.
So I'm going to try. I cannot promise that I'll succeed, but I'm at least going to try. I'll struggle, but I hope that maybe that's what I need. I can't live the rest of my life locked away, afraid to leave the house, afraid to touch a computer, afraid to pick up a pencil, scared of anyone ever getting close again. I don't know if I'll ever be sound enough for another relationship again, but I have to at least try. Try to get outside more, try to spend time with people, try to draw with my sister.
I owe her that much, and I owe it to myself to at least try. If I try and fail, it will be on my terms. If i try and I fail, it will be a step towards accepting my life and myself, and at least I'll have a solid point of where to start improving. But if I try... and succeed... I honestly don't know. I expect to fail nowadays. At everything. It's become a preconceived notion that things will end badly, especially where others are concerned. I need to find a way to get my thinking process straightened out.
... I hope maybe if I do something and get out of the house, I'll at least have some pictures to show you guys. It won't be much of an update, but I'll try to at least show that you guys here mean something to me and that I really am trying to make you proud and confident that your support has helped.
I'm going to spend some time with people this week. And I'm going to draw with my sister. I'm going to get through this for them, because I owe it to them. And somehow I'll get through this for me, because they have faith that I can. I realized that I'm still capable of love... because I don't want to prove them wrong.